call it what you will

i tend to be pretty real with myself and real with others. this is at least what i strive for.  im a really bad actor.  so upon coming across a couple of recent pictures of myself, i had to admit something- i am starting to get crows feet around my eyes. im 25. i dont know how i feel about this.  so i googled it. low and behold, almost immdeiately i see people say “‘crows feet’… also refered to as ‘laugh lines’…”  laugh lines, huh? well i know ive laughed more than ive had a crow standing on my face, so i think its totally reasonable to stick with the latter name. or i could just be really blunt and tell myself its called AGEING. ew.

i also have spider veins. those are way worse. i have maureen to thank for those bad boys. but you know what? i wont go bald and i will never have a receeding hairline- both of which are far worse.

 

 

jury duty and my opinion on a few other things.

i had jury duty today. i had it coming.  this is my fifth summons, and this time im not a student.

damn.

aside from the obvious lack of financial incintives, i was lacking enthusiasm- to say the least. but, seeing how i am an american citizen i feel very blessed to have been offered the opportunities i have because i have been born in a country such as our own (better yet, Texas) and therefore felt somewhat responsible to take part in my role as a citizen.  so i slapped on my happy face, and gave it a whirl… but was still very much ready to tell them how much i favor the practice of lynching (which-to some degree- is totally true).

jury duty is sooooooo awkward.  huge room, lots of people, EVERYONE is a fish out of water. for as dull as that setting is, it is so prime for people watching.  everyone is out of their element. recognizing the situation, i just started walking around like i owned the place. it humored me, if no one else. after awhile, they started calling blocks of numbers and the cattle drive began.  i was in the last block called, and to make a long story short… they let us go a little early. i didnt even have to convence them of my lynching beliefs. sweet.

 

my other opinion is completely random, but i think the most discriminated group on the planet is left handed people. no, im not left handed. how do we accomodate them? left handed scissors? thats a feable attempt. just a thought.

this ones for the boys: and i do mean boys, not men. if youre a man, than you surely dont do this. brace yourselves, boys. this ones going to be harsh. i know this day in age technology is all the craze. facebook, e-mail, text messaging, iming, myspace… etc….you name it…..  it is really tempting and very easy to get away with flirting and subsequently asking a girl out via these sources.  can i just tell you to stop it? please? really.

WEAK.

WEAK.

and…

WEAK.

grow balls and ask a girl out if you’re interested in her. period. end of story. i dont know about other girls, but you are seriously not giving yourself the upper hand when you start off that way with me. hmmm…. let me think…. is this a guy i can see myself submitting to in the future?…. oh right, he couldnt ask me out to my face so he did it through technology because i might have rejected him…. right- probably not.  do you run the risk of rejection? yes. take it like a man. on second though i really dont care if this was harsh- you need to hear it, apply it, and pass it on to your friends. a girl is going to have a lot more respect for you if you show her being a man is within your character and not just a set of smoke and mirrors you hope she doesnt see through until later down the road. thats all i have to say about that.

well i was going to say something else but appearently i needed a little more room in my head for the previous soapbox because i cant find my other thoughts.  surely they make medication for people like me.

sometimes i feel like i should be walking around with a warning label on.

 

 

page? post? yost? toast? what?

i wouldnt say im particularly new to this whole blog thing, but i dont really attempt to get to know the features of it very well.  i guess i assume they usually change them within 3-6 months anyways, so who really cares.  but, on the other side of that, if you dont teach yourself how to work the continually updating technology around you, you wil fall behind- very fast. and we cant all be married to a gadget geek (not that im married but i can pretty much assure you my husband will not likely be a gadget geek).  so im still trying to learn how everything works and will make a concerted effort to use the resources provided so freely to me. (and by the way, thanks wordpress for the free blogspot/place/ whatever the hippest thing to call this area is)

 

these times

i just got back from california. it was my first real trip there. san diego to be exact. time flew when i was there.  it was fantastic. you know how sometimes when you go places you’re ready to come back in a day or two? that didnt happen.  i was comfortably uncomfortable there. which worries me. to be honest, i never, ever wanted to like california. putting a texas girl in california is like crack cocaine…. it may be good at first but you know in the long run its a bad idea. my obnoxious texas pride cant be swallowed. it had to be asked though…. in my head if no where else… could i ever live there? in the only state that i truly think holds any comparision to the face melting coolness of texas? i dunno.  politically i feel like i couldnt disagree more… which, in tejas i still agree somewhat because i feel that on a whole we still have morals and some level of ethical code and dont by into the whole relative truth movement. i think i spent half my time trying to convince myself i didnt like it so much. i think a lot of credit should go to the really cool people we met while we were there also.  they were kind, passionate, and really understood what it meant to be servants. their humility was humbling.  i guess im still in processing mode and figuring out exactly which steps need to steer the future, but felt the need to throw some thoughts out there instead of letting them run through my head like untame children.

i wrote a bunch more after this but managed to hit a wrong key before saving it and erased everything, so i will have to hit you with that topic tomorrow…. or whenever the mood hits me. i am tired now though. you are wonderful and i love you. goodnight.

a normal day indeed.

hmmm…. i began this post back in march, and just decided to pick it back up.  the title and the “hmmmm” at the beginning were as far as i got.  but, today was a ‘normal’ day…. that is, as normal as it gets in my mind.  i really enjoy reading blogs.  i think i enjoy them because people are only halfway talking to me, but halfway just putting there thoughts out in public, much like i’m doing now.  i realized, much to my suprise, that i draw inspiration from people in this manner much as you would from someone for their fashion, taste in music, architecture, etc.  while i’ll only do this rarely, let me brag on someone for a minute.  i have a super talented friend named rachel who has the most uncanny ability to put her words and thoughts in raw form and let the chips fall where they may.  it is dangerous, adventuresome, honest, and completely real.  the cool thing though about rachel is she is a really gifted artist and designer, so she is often discussing those topics in her blogs and relating them to her perseptions and views, and has very little- if any- idea of how much of this second gift on journaling she posesses.  im sure i her mind its just a piece of therapy writing…. and on with her day she goes. 

i felt a little juxtaposed for a moment.  i feel as though i have always been ‘true to self’ so to speak in that i dont follow others or try to be someone im not, but instead as i continue to get older, i find so many bits of inspiration from various things and people im around.  it is fascinated and it is beautiful.  and right then i knew- that was just it. i am to be totally myself, but pick up pieces of wisdom and insight from others. people can be so, so cool if you give them a chance to be.  we need these differences in our lives to help us grow, expand, and push our comfort zones.  independance is nice but it is not supreme. interdependance is so much more beautiful.  so while i will always strive to be 100% me, know that i find so much joy in learning from all of your insights, styles, perspectives, and God given strengths that provide so much more vibrance to my everyday life. 

i always do this.

but why is still a mystery to me.  drives me crazy when i cant figure out the rational behind the reason i do the things i do. for example: right now, i am tired. if i crawled in bed right now, i would fall asleep immediately.  but no. i get on this computer just outside my bedroom door, curl up in this comfortable couch, and blog (or read, but tonight its blog).  it is my believe that some of my best ideas come at these moments of the day (which is perhaps sufficient reasoning).  i blog to document thoughts, sometimes release frustration, and because i enjoy writing to no one in particular at all.  i’ve really been working on my attitude and perspective lately. well, ultimately i pray that the Lord changes both of those things in me, but without getting hyper-spiritual on you i will also say that it has just been a conscious effort.  it really has been miraculous.  just as an example, me and two of my best childhood friends were planning a “girls weekend” recently, and i was really looking forward to spending time with just them.  they are both married, and one lives in lubbock (i know… no comments even needed because i know what your thinking).  well, to try to make the long story short, as soon as we decided to go sans husbands (not hard for me), they started inviting some of their other girlfriends to come. initially, i was kinda bummed and a little errked that not only would we have more than just us, but these were girls i really wasnt close to, and they never asked my opinion on it prior to inviting them. dont get me wrong, i had met them before and thought they were great and had absolutely nothing against them- wonderful girls, but there just wasnt the same friendship connections.  and then i realized how much of a box i had already put myself by thinking that way. what if we have girls weekend and i discover i had a blast with both my old friends, and developed a deeper friendship with these new girls? what was so wrong with that? and so what if i dont? what if i just make up my mind to have a great time and at the very least develope a better understanding of personality differences and how that makes us strong as people and encouragers? so that was what i did, and now im really excited about it.  and you know, i enjoy life a lot more this way.  so if you see me, ask me how im doing with my perspective today and tell me to change one thing. 

 

ps- i am a wee bit ashamed to tell you that i voted for like a solid hour on american idol. redial, redial, redial.  brooke white all the way baby! i know it wont happen, but i love singer/songwriters. 

the death list

uplifting name for a blog, isnt it? let me explain. as i was driving home tonight my mind was wandering and i started thinking about things i would want people to know about me if i were to die.  they really arent juicy things or dark things, but rather a bunch of small things that- when pieced together- made up so much of my happiness, quirks, frusrtations, and uniqueness. so, this list will probably be updated from time to time, but here are some for starters:

- i will always miss the smell of my kindergarden classroom.  i often want to go back just to stand in the room, but i have to conceed that it would freak all the children out.

-queen’s “under pressure” made so many of my runs that much more enjoyable. 

-the underground walkway between west campus garage and the msc was my favorite area on a&m’s campus, and during my first spring there i have a multitude of memories of walking from lot 100 to harrington with ipod in full working mode and me trying not to freeze to death (if you know the campus you know how much of a hike that is at 7 a.m.)

- my real sport love was always soccer, not tennis.

-i love maps. reading them, understanding them, memorizing them……. love ‘em. on long tennis trips i would get out the texas atlas and try to memorize where cities were and how to get the them.  if i remember correctly, there are like 4 lakeview,texas’ up in the lubbock area. weird.

-i would often dream i could fly. let me assure you for those who have never had this dream- nothing is more empowering than flying.

-i loved drilling my mom on artist traveling to and from tennis tournaments.  by all means, she should know every dave matthews song there is. (i was in h.s. at the time)

-i have severe road rage.  but im an awesome driver.

-i actually have had my heart broken… not once, not twice, but three times! (and no i will not be elaborating on this one, so dont ask)

-the first time i saw wicked was what i consider the most magical time in my life (sounds really corny but its true). 

-my songs on my ipod will tell you what i havent been able to say but they are often how i feel. 

-i deeply cherish the old summer rockport days of making up dances with my sisters and cousins, shopping those same old store we had been to a zillion times, crab-n, and trying to prove who would be this years champ of the tickle game and tubing.   it is where my childhood happiness abides. 

-if youre ever at my farm, you have to go out on the pier on a clear winter night.  you will never witness anything more humbling or astounding. 

-i miss my grandpa all the time still.

-for as long as i can remember i have had this crazy obsession with the color red.

-i totally suck at spelling.

-sheets are always the best on a sunday afternoon…. all cold when you body is warm.

-i am a little bit OCD. take, for example, my shaving habits.  i shave everyday.  i like to be thouroughly clean and be able to smell the cleanliness of my skin afterwards.

-

feels like home

it happens all the time, doesnt it?

you’ve been planning this big vacation with the people you love the most and know you’ll have a blast with, you’ve wanted to go, you’ve daydreaming of going, you NEED to go, and then the day finally comes- you get there, you’re having a blast, and then suddenly you feel it…. that little twing that you feel you can never sucessfully get rid of.  you want home.  maybe its not an overwhelming feeling, but its there a little bit.  your bed, your couch, the familar smells, the automatic comfort you just now realize you take for granted.  its a little ironic really.  a little challenge for you: think of someone you know who you believe is really unhappy. got a face in your head? okay, now the second question: do they have a home? not just a house or a dwelling space, but a home? i find very few, if any, unhappy people in a home. i think this is because construction workers build houses, condos, apartment buildings and so on, but only a dweller can decide to build a home.  it is where i think we find a little bit of peace and a little bit of sanity.  its just been on my mind because im currently working on funding a downpayment on a house and have had several friends try to lure me into going in with them on an apt. or renting a house, but i think i will have to pass.  dont get me wrong, i think we would have great times, but apts have just never been able to make me feel like im home.  just food for thought.

 i watched a movie tonight that was rather dissapointing because everyone raved about how much they loved this movie and then  thought it was pretty bad.  dont you hate that? and my whole family seems to have no problem talking during movies or getting up and leave for 20 minutes and then want to know what happened when while they were gone.  hello? not okay.  watch the movie, or have respect for those who are watching it.  i know that sounds harsh but im just utterly baffled at how mindless people can be. plus im just easily annoyed, so i think eveyone just writes off my angst at this point.  anyhow, dont talk during movies. its rude. 

 i think tonight will be the last time i eat salmon.  i have that “im going to wake-up in the middle of the night and vomit” feeling going on, and im not enjoying it.  the last time i got food posioning it was from salmon and wow- that was…um, cleansing, for lack of a more graceful way to put it. 

im exhausted. i propbably worked physically harder today than i have in 8 months.  felt good, but my whole body hurt. im out.

music, politics, and other bits of life.

bare with this one. its lengthy, but i do make a point eventually.

the date is march 6th, 2008.  we recently had the texas primaries and will have the presidental election in november.  you cant turn on the news without seeing the faces of hillary, obama, and john mccain- none of which i personal care to see, much less for the next four years.  thing is, if you arent seeing them, its a school shooting, actor/actress O.D.ing themselves to death, or a bomb going off either home (times square thing happened today) or abroad (happens just about everyday).  the housing market is unstable and wall street is sweating bullets as bad as a school kid who didnt study for his final and now has the exam sitting in front of him.  kinda seems like complete madness. ever have those moments where you’re just thinking, “what the hell is going on?” gets me a little despressed.  like it or not we are slowly, but surely, crumpling right before our eyes. i started to have one of those moments today and then the perfect song came on.  i immediately relaxed a little. i am the most musically untalented person you have ever met- i cant read it, i cant sing it, i cant play it, but for all i lack in each of those areas i make up for in appreciation of it.  music is probably the most theraputic thing God put in my life (second only to running, which is usually coupled with music).  i can think back to times in my life when sometimes i felt like music was the only thing i could relate to.  it has helped pull me out of every single funk ive had.  dont get me wrong, i have wonderful friends who i could tell things to and were encouraging, but they couldnt always be by my side or in my presence when i needed them because-well, they had lives of their own and are often spread out all over the country. but when i was really low on cash, really low in spirits, and really needed something to call my own, i felt like i could call a song mine because it sang my soul that day.  that probably sounds really silly, but if music could be added as a 6th love language from God, i think it would definitely be my most primary.  it didnt have to be “christian” music, and honestly rarely is/ was, but it can heal my heart and make sanity out of chaos more than any other tool i know. so yeah… if you want to give me a really great present just send me good song suggestions…. its as good as a million christmas presents to me. 

i had a long and rather needed conversation with one of my best friends today which was completely political in nature which, in this case, is great because ive never seen eye-to-eye with someone as much as i do her.  we talked until we were blue in the face and felt we had adaquate logic to our approach (and couldnt understand the logic of other approaches). i reaffirmed my desire to get into politics because of my passion, and the wisdom to stay out of them because i would be angry all the time.  bottom line is the fact that i feel although i would love to ignore it and keep myself busy with other things, on a national scale all our arrows are pointed in a rather scary direction. i know its dangerous to talk politics (or religion) because it arrouses emotions and has strong potential to kill relationships, but i think we have sacrificed the things we stand for for the sake of being liked, not offeneding others, and just generally not pissing people off.  i actually didnt start this blog to write about politics, but i would just leave you with this thought-and i am saying this to myself even more so than i am speaking it to anyone else and that is this:  its better to stand for something and be hated for it than to go to your grave lurking in mediocricy.  im not saying go down guns a’blazing, im just saying have a backbone and stand for something- and stand for it tastefully and tactfully. 

in the motherhood.

in the motherhood- my new favorite show. its not even a tv show… its actually a web show. each episode is about five minutes long and has you in stitches by the end.  im not even a mom but i love it.  you should go check it out sometime. but anyways, reason i mention it is because one of the characters made a statement that i never thought about, but it reaffirms my thoughts on camping.

 (im paraphrasing here): “whats the big deal about camping?? i dont get it. we make all these technological advances to make life more comfortable and then to ‘get away from it all’ we spend a week to go make it hard on ourselves. its completely counter-intuitive…”

tuche my dear, tuche.